I wanted to reject my half-sisters invitation to Thanksgiving. My parents told me I was being childish, told me I was being selfish. Told me that sooner or later I was going to have to face the reality of the situation. I am pretty sure the words grow up were used more than once. I was twelve. It had been a year since my father informed his family of my existence. But I wasnt ready.
I wasnt ready to face my new immediate family, my siblings and new stepmother, let alone our shared cousins, aunts and in-laws. Chances are I could have waited years and still not have been ready. I knew that the only reason the fami
Abstinence Only Sex Education by nelsmiley, literature
Literature
Abstinence Only Sex Education
Over the past two decades the United States government has significantly extended its interest in developing and funding sex education programs in public schools. These programs, however, may not be as comprehensive as their funding due to the fact that the official government stance is to only endorse abstinence-only education. In recent years, there has been a significant increase in certain areas of funding, has President Bush as recently requested $242 million dollars be allocated from the 2008 budget. If approved by Congress, the Bush administration will have spent a total of $1.45 billion tax dollars on abstinence-only initiatives. This
Susan Perkins and the Gum by nelsmiley, literature
Literature
Susan Perkins and the Gum
Susan Perkins was the prettiest and most popular girl at my high school. Her curriculum vitae: Cross-Country Captain, Softball Pitcher, Homecoming Queen, Straight-A Student, Advisor to the Principle, Sunday School Teacher. She was the Professor of Cool. She came to school each day with a smile so bright it cut the school boards energy budget in half. Her auburn hair floated upwards ever so slightly as if invisible cherubs held each buoyant strand in place. A vision of perfection in a normal wardrobe of skinny jeans and pink cardigans, she never wore the same pair of sandals twice. Other girls would look at her with admiration, waiting t
Every night you are in my dreams.
Usually dream number seven of nine or so
in a series of images tied to foggy, remembered things
and could-have-beens.
You follow the reliving of Easter 1992
when my grandmother photographed me smiling
in that white dress and tights that I later ruined
in the wet spring grass.
From the very beginning I have found it curious,
that someone so distant would follow
the remembrance of a five-year-old's tears
on such a regular basis.
Believe me, I have tried to banish you.
But I can't stop conjuring your shape,
letting it appear again and again in my half-sleep,
the same every time.
I have let y
I woke up crying again this morning,
because I argued with you again last night.
I remember us sitting in a running car
in a parking lot somewhere downtown,
maybe in front of a bakery.
I was screaming as we argued about a boy,
about staying out too late,
about underage drinking.
You grounded again me at the age of 20,
because over the breaks from college
I still "live under your roof".
For a split second I hated you again this morning,
for being such a hard ass again last night.
For worrying about me
when I can so obviously take care of myself.
For knowing me too well.
You could see right through me again,
through every lie
Once upon a time---
she bought her first---------
s hort
b lack
s kirt
for a night out
with the girls.
Though purchased despite her hidden
but intense-------------------------hatred
of her legs
(specifically her knees),
at the end of the night
she----------------felt
a-----little--concerned.
-----------------------------
While the skirt did flare out
---------------- a bit
to mask her bulging hips
thighs,
scared knee caps,
(and whatever else she saw from behind in that mirror)
she
A Perfectionists Straightjack by nelsmiley, literature
Literature
A Perfectionists Straightjack
As Adam Moran sat there staring transfixed at the ungraceful, half naked, completely ridiculous form before him, his lips began to ache from the inability to stop smiling. He felt insane. If anyone, even God himself, had told him a year ago that his damned life was going to be turned upside down by a love that could only be read between lines of cheap dollar store romance novels, he would have laughed in their face. Even now, looking upon her perfection of fat lined thighs and not so perky breasts, he felt he had died, as if by pure accident, slipped unnoticed through the gates of heaven.
He closed his eyes, listening to the soundtrack to
\"Nothing is as it seems...\"
Some truths are so cliche...boring, provincial. But the human mind thrives on cliche, now doesn\'t it? To think of things in nice, boxed off squares, to have everything be exactly as it seems to be. Now some would call that the epitome of perfection, no unpleasant surprises, ideals that can never be wrong. In other words, a gossipy house wife\'s heaven.
A life such as this, I would call purgatory...sometimes hell.
We live in a world of assumptions, stereotypes, sometimes inescapable childhood memories, which ingrained in the soul of one so weak as to lack exploration, cause extraordinary habits, ailments, unto
Perfectionists Straight Part 2 by nelsmiley, literature
Literature
Perfectionists Straight Part 2
But the last thing Adam wanted to do was be different, so he didn\'t dare show his animosity toward Evey or speak of it to those he wished to impress. It had taken him a good six months to squeeze in a tiny hole dug with so many nights on weekends wasted, sitting, listening, not joining conversations till he was absolutely sure the time was right. He had created a nitch to make his life of change and consequence less lonely. Why he had chosen a group of genius, rat addicts wasn\'t so hard to comprehend, everyone had a story, together they made one big whirl wind of turbulent suffering and quiet depression, screaming louder than any banchie. H
Have You Seen My Memories by nelsmiley, literature
Literature
Have You Seen My Memories
Have you seen my pink shoes?
They\'re small and have brass buckles
I lost them here sometime ago,
and have been biting at my knuckles
Have you seen my pretty doll?
I cut off all her hair
Mommy was cross when it the clogged the drain
I think I left her right over there
Have you seen my puppy, Shadow?
I called his name a million times
He chased a rabbit down the block
Its paws left blood stains on the signs
Have you seen my gold earring?
It fell and sank into the chair
Help me find it, right quick
Or Daddy will spank me bare
Have you seen my memories?
When you\'re little your entire world centers on your parents, and as much as you wish it were not true, you can do nothing without that pillar of strength. The hands that held you while you took your first steps, the arms that rocked you in the middle of the night when you just couldn\'t stop crying. The legs, as tired as they were, that never stopped running until you were steady enough to glide along on your bike by yourself, and the eyes that smiled at you when you were feeling blue. Although it took me a while, I finally realized that my mother, that pillar of strength, is the defining element that makes me who I am.
I now know what fue
not to be alone
to be warm
not to have so much to do
to fall into a dream
sleep without sleeping
to be numb
to cry
love
to be able to focus on what I should
to be able to kiss him
to be left alone
to fall, period
a pair of eyes to look into
for someone to catch me
my tummy not to hurt
not to be lost
to be found
to look in the mirror and know who I see
not to lie about my own strength
to be honest with myself
not to sting anymore
to have a home
someone to trust
not to be confused
what tomorrow might being
to be able to listen to my own advice
to smell roses
some more love
to be in love
not to believe enough that is
Perfectionists Straigt PART 3 by nelsmiley, literature
Literature
Perfectionists Straigt PART 3
Adam leaned down, resting his head on Evey's silky shoulder. Those first few months in close proximity with her, he had known she would never understand such things, or so he thought he knew. In truth, at that point in his life he hadn\'t been worried whether or not people understood his sucky problems so much as accepted him. When he was so preoccupied with hating his home life he hadn\'t cared much for friends, but after being kicked out, trying to find a place to live and clearing his nasal cavities, his priorities completely changed. He began noticing when people didn\'t like him; noticing when what he was talking about wasn\'t accepted.
Perfectionists Stra PART - FIN by nelsmiley, literature
Literature
Perfectionists Stra PART - FIN
Their first kiss hadn\'t been normal, it hadn\'t been sensual, it hadn\'t even been on the lips or anywhere close to the mouth for that matter. As they sat inside Starbucks, a record first for anyone even in the cold months, Evey showed him her scars. X X X, multiple slashes in the form of purplish lumps in perfect straight lines on her forearms and wrists, hidden away under closets full of long sleeve shirts. Covered like a dirty secret, was her hidden anguish, which until now, didn\'t exist. At least not to anyone but her, but that\'s usually how it is when you\'re perfect. Perfection, that is what caused everything, the one thing Adam want
Music really moves the soul...so much that points in our lives are remembered simply by the music ringing in our ears at the moment a wave of emotion washed over us.
My friends and I, (or should I say sometimes friends, sometimes not) used to frequent a Starbucks not so close to my house. (For reasons that cannot be explained I do not slum there as often as I used to, but thats another story) I first started going there with a rather obscure friend of mine. You know the type, rich beyond belief, spoiled, rebellious teenager. Always bitching about not having a certain kind of cig or being caught with some sort of drug and being grounded for,
Clawing my way through razor wire
To feed your desire
Shape your fire
Burn
Twist Twist
Turn
...To your eyes
Away with lies
Finally Realise
I am not, I am all, Your fall
He who noticed your unheard call
He who broke through the wall
Yet I am not and I am all you saw
But we are something pure
Something so Raw
Perfected wonderful emotion
Your soul my inspiration
My perfect sensation
It was too good to be true
Was that girl really you
Is this dream already
drove into anna at a little past six/her green thighs and concrete waist were free except for my soul and a little arab gold/she helped me see the contrasting beauty consumed by the miles of road-side wild flowers and exit signs/six hundred and fifty-two miles to antiquity.betsy was ten million past due.riding on 'e' for half/she served me well.till that last patch of kansas then smoked like free birds and left me at the side of the road.bare/in a rolled up business suit my best side burned under freshly planted stars in tar/my thumb shown above my black-cramped hands despite the still of a two lane highway off of tudor and hansborough.almost
Hey ya'll! As you can see by my last three posts I have almost exclusively been writing prose lately instead of the usual poetry and pictures. Mostly because I am taking a Creative Non-Fiction class, but haven't really felt creative in a long time.
Anyway...college has been going...next Semester I am going to be in Botswana, African studying the intersection of HIV and politics in the region, so don't expect any activity from me between Jan and June of next year. I will try to watch as much as possible in the time until then.
Still loving and watching all of ya'll. - Nel
Hey ya'll...
Its been a while...
and it may be a while again, but I am still here and I am still looking and I'm still appreciating a loving.
I miss all of this so much, but sometimes a creative block comes and you can't do anything to stop it.
But if you are on my watchlist I am still watching....
<3